Things That Annoy Me

There are lots of people on the Internet who basically spend all their time complaining about things that annoy them. Unfortunately, those things are usually totally obvious—like people talking in a movie theater—and the reaction to them is always totally overboard, like having to listen to some jerk talk during a movie is about as awful as being thrown naked into a tarantula pit.

I never get that angry, and I can take the rough with the smooth thanks to my fortitude, courage, and humility. But the fact remains—some people just need to stop and think for a minute before acting. So I’ve compiled a handy “how-to” guide to give you some “do’s and don’ts” in order to navigate any tricky “social brainteasers” and prevent an embarrassing “faux pas.”

DON’T’s

People who call their parents “parental units.”

This is more a high school phenomenon, but can be found on college campus’ as well, particularly ones with lots of commuters. I get the idea—people want to distance themselves from parental authority, but it really just makes you sound like you haven’t quite got over your Star Trek obsession yet. And it doesn’t make the fact that you have to be home by midnight or mom will stop chipping in for gas any less embarrassing.

People who try to describe movie scenes

If it’s happened once, it’s happened a thousand times: I’ll be talking to some guy (and wondering how to get away, because his conversation is invariably boring), and the following exchange will result.

Him: Dude have you seen the new [fill in actor here, usually Jim Carrey or Will Ferrell] movie?
Me: No.
Him: [laughing stupidly] dude you’ve like got to dude it’s like so funny there’s like this one scene where there’s in the trailer and the guys like dude what time is it? and the guys like huh? and the other guys like [I assume there’s a punch line here, but I can never decipher it because he’s laughing too hard] MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Funniest thing ever dude like totally awesome!!!!
Me: oh.

That’s annoying for two reasons. One, because if I ever do see that movie (which I usually don’t because the scene described usually seems ripped off from Dumber and Dumberer), I guess that really funny scene will be ruined, huh? And anyway, they always try to tell me about a scene from the trailer, so I’ve already seen it on TV a hundred times.

Fat people in inappropriate situations

I’ve nothing against fat people, as long as they stay in their place. For example, they have no place at the beach, or near any other body of water, because they look repulsive in swimwear. Fat women in bikinis should be outlawed. And they shouldn’t be allowed in gyms, not that that’s usually a problem. But sometimes one sneaks in, and I have to look at some fat guy dripping gallons of sweat while struggling to bench 110 pounds.

Another place our lardy friends shouldn’t go: movie theaters. This fact was brought home to me by an unfortunate experience recently. I went to the new Tom Cruise movie last Friday, the one where he’s supposed to be a good Nazi, in spite of the fact that he’s basically a more handsome version of Don Knotts. So the theater’s packed, and we (me and my friends) had to sit practically like in the front row, so we were looking almost straight up. Then I see this morbidly obese guy with a big white beard and a jacket he obviously hadn’t washed since about 1996 waddling into my row. He looked just like Santa’s dissolute younger brother; the black sheep of the family that nobody’s seen since Papa Claus died. And he plops down right next to me.

Wonderful.

So he takes all of his seat, and about half of mine, leaving me with half a movie theater seat which wasn’t that big in the first place, leaving me scrunched in a sort of sideways S shape. Awful.

This guy spent seven dollars and practically broke my back so he could see that movie. So when it started, he did the only logical thing—he fell asleep, which he could have done for free at home, without hurting anyone. And they tell me fat people are jolly. Maybe they are, but it masks an evil core.

So fat people, please stay home. There is a whole world of entertainment options all around you, such as video games and Parcheesi. And you can rent videos from Netflix. Remember, lardgut, if God had wanted you to be mobile he wouldn’t have given an extra 200 pounds around your middle, would he?

Hopefully, this little list has been useful to you. And if I tagged you in this note, it wasn’t personal, one way or another—I basically tagged people more or less at random, so don’t feel too irritated if I just cluttered up your inbox. At least it wasn’t personal.

If you don’t want to be tagged, though, I’d understand, so just leave a comment or send a message or unfriend me or delete my emails or send them straight to the spam filter, which come to think of it probably what you’re doing anyway.

But seriously, if you don’t want me to tag you anymore, I won’t be offended.

Much.